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[ She's fiddling with her watch when he comes in. It's a new habit she's taken to in the wake of the war. Something to do with her hands when her mind is moving too fast. She does not look up at him, and her expression is just this side of grim. ]
... there's something I've been meaning to ask you. I guess it slipped my mind until yesterday, when ... something reminded me.
[ Now she looks at him, solemn. ]
Eren said something to me, when I asked him to become my Servant. He said he promised you that he'd look out for me if something happened to you.
[ She doesn't seem angry - not yet - but the line of her jaw is hard and uncompromising. ]
I want to know why.
... there's something I've been meaning to ask you. I guess it slipped my mind until yesterday, when ... something reminded me.
[ Now she looks at him, solemn. ]
Eren said something to me, when I asked him to become my Servant. He said he promised you that he'd look out for me if something happened to you.
[ She doesn't seem angry - not yet - but the line of her jaw is hard and uncompromising. ]
I want to know why.
[His heart does a funny deflating thing, like an old balloon springing a leak. It shrinks and sinks all at once to sit uneasily in his stomach. Or whatever he has down there where his guts used to be.
Uh-oh.
He mumbles his answer.]
Why did he--because we're friends, all three of us. 'Course he would.
Uh-oh.
He mumbles his answer.]
Why did he--because we're friends, all three of us. 'Course he would.
That's not what I mean and you know it.
[ Now her voice is clipped, and she looks away, down, eyes narrowed. ]
You asked him. That's what I want to know. Why were you ... already planning like something was going to happen to you?
[ Again, she cuts her gaze back to him. But it is fierce, now. There is steel in it, and heat, an unhappy brittle mistrust. ]
[ Now her voice is clipped, and she looks away, down, eyes narrowed. ]
You asked him. That's what I want to know. Why were you ... already planning like something was going to happen to you?
[ Again, she cuts her gaze back to him. But it is fierce, now. There is steel in it, and heat, an unhappy brittle mistrust. ]
[He pulls his shoulders in, making himself a smaller target. He's done bad and he knows it.]
I wasn't planning on--I didn't think it'd--
[He stops, tongue on the tip of some excuse that'd explain it, why he had to. He wants to look away and gather his thoughts. He can't. She won't let him. He swallows and lowers his voice.]
I wanted you to be safe, and I...I know what I'm made of. I knew that...I'd probably get in a fight.
I wasn't planning on--I didn't think it'd--
[He stops, tongue on the tip of some excuse that'd explain it, why he had to. He wants to look away and gather his thoughts. He can't. She won't let him. He swallows and lowers his voice.]
I wanted you to be safe, and I...I know what I'm made of. I knew that...I'd probably get in a fight.
Edited 2013-10-17 22:52 (UTC)
[ Xion puts her watch down and swings her legs out of bed, standing. She's strong now - almost at full health. She's not very imposing, short as she is and wearing pajamas, but the hard line of her shoulders and the anger writ large now across her expression are out of place on her, and thus more arresting for it. ]
What are you saying? [ She shakes her head. Beneath it all, beneath the indignation, is a deep wellspring of hurt. He'll be able to see it in her eyes, in the small movements of her hands, the only pieces of her that are jittery and unsure. But she shores up her battered defenses with righteous anger and plows on. ]
That you ... knew? You knew you were going to die, so you arranged for me to be taken care of? How could you do something like that? You should never have been planning to die!
[ By the end of it, she's shouting. ]
What are you saying? [ She shakes her head. Beneath it all, beneath the indignation, is a deep wellspring of hurt. He'll be able to see it in her eyes, in the small movements of her hands, the only pieces of her that are jittery and unsure. But she shores up her battered defenses with righteous anger and plows on. ]
That you ... knew? You knew you were going to die, so you arranged for me to be taken care of? How could you do something like that? You should never have been planning to die!
[ By the end of it, she's shouting. ]
I wasn't, I just--I didn't know.
[His back hits the wall and it startles him. He didn't even know he was drifting backwards. He stops there, pressing his palms flat to the wall to keep from twisting them in his feathers. He still can't look away from her. His stomach drops, and not in a good way.]
I didn't--I didn't want to die, but I couldn't just ignore everything, there were so many kids and the whole thing was so fucking jacked, I didn't. [He does look down now, curling his hands into fists against the wall.] I didn't know what was going to happen. So I did what I could, and--maybe I shouldn't have asked Eren, that wasn't fair, but I didn't know who else I could ask. I didn't want to put anyone in danger, and I was--I wasn't--
[He closes his eyes and lets his head bump gently back against the wall. His hands loosen again and slide down some.]
I was scared.
[His back hits the wall and it startles him. He didn't even know he was drifting backwards. He stops there, pressing his palms flat to the wall to keep from twisting them in his feathers. He still can't look away from her. His stomach drops, and not in a good way.]
I didn't--I didn't want to die, but I couldn't just ignore everything, there were so many kids and the whole thing was so fucking jacked, I didn't. [He does look down now, curling his hands into fists against the wall.] I didn't know what was going to happen. So I did what I could, and--maybe I shouldn't have asked Eren, that wasn't fair, but I didn't know who else I could ask. I didn't want to put anyone in danger, and I was--I wasn't--
[He closes his eyes and lets his head bump gently back against the wall. His hands loosen again and slide down some.]
I was scared.
Edited (I picked that icon way before I wrote the actual tag whoops) 2013-10-18 02:11 (UTC)
[ She listens to that in silence, her chin lowering and her expression clouding with bitterness. It's hard to be mad at an explanation like that, but she still is, somehow. Maybe it's misdirected anger, maybe she's not even sure why she's upset. But something about this, all of this, turns her stomach. ]
... you always try so hard to protect me. [ At least she's not yelling anymore, though her voice is still cold. ] I don't need a guardian. I wish you'd stop treating me like I'm going to break every time I walk outside. I can take care of myself. Maybe I didn't need Eren's help at all.
[ Now she's being petulant, and maybe she knows it, if the sharp downward curl of the corners of her mouth speaks to her feelings about her own words. After all, she went to Eren before he could even find her. It would have happened anyway, all of it, in the exact same fashion, and to pin that on Dave is unfair. She knows it's unfair.
Which is why she groans, frustrated, and grips her head in two hands as she paces away, toward the door. But she stops a foot or two short, lowering her arms so she can tightly hug herself instead. ]
... I just want to know one thing. [ She looks up at him, and much of the hardness is gone from her expression. ] ... what were you so scared of? ... dying yourself, or me getting killed?
... you always try so hard to protect me. [ At least she's not yelling anymore, though her voice is still cold. ] I don't need a guardian. I wish you'd stop treating me like I'm going to break every time I walk outside. I can take care of myself. Maybe I didn't need Eren's help at all.
[ Now she's being petulant, and maybe she knows it, if the sharp downward curl of the corners of her mouth speaks to her feelings about her own words. After all, she went to Eren before he could even find her. It would have happened anyway, all of it, in the exact same fashion, and to pin that on Dave is unfair. She knows it's unfair.
Which is why she groans, frustrated, and grips her head in two hands as she paces away, toward the door. But she stops a foot or two short, lowering her arms so she can tightly hug herself instead. ]
... I just want to know one thing. [ She looks up at him, and much of the hardness is gone from her expression. ] ... what were you so scared of? ... dying yourself, or me getting killed?
It's not about that--[He tries to protest when she says she can take care of herself, but even if she's not yelling, he's not loud. He just shrinks into the wall and wishes--no. He doesn't. He wouldn't take it back. He just takes her anger like a punch to the throat and knows that he deserves it. He deserves to feel like shit, hurting her like that.
He only raises his gaze again when she turns back, his expression profoundly miserable, but almost stubbornly resigned to it.]
I'm scared to--I was scared to die. Personally. With no take-backs.
[Without his noticing, he lifts a hand to his chest, as if to reassure himself still that the sword is not there, the wound is not there, his chest is whole and his lung is whole and he is not dying in front of his brother all over again, not dying in Xion's arms.]
But there are things I just can't fucking live with. Not again. Not ever. So it didn't matter if I was scared or not. I wouldn't accept any other outcome.
He only raises his gaze again when she turns back, his expression profoundly miserable, but almost stubbornly resigned to it.]
I'm scared to--I was scared to die. Personally. With no take-backs.
[Without his noticing, he lifts a hand to his chest, as if to reassure himself still that the sword is not there, the wound is not there, his chest is whole and his lung is whole and he is not dying in front of his brother all over again, not dying in Xion's arms.]
But there are things I just can't fucking live with. Not again. Not ever. So it didn't matter if I was scared or not. I wouldn't accept any other outcome.
[ Xion only keeps hugging herself and looks at him with something like sympathy. ]
... you saved me. You didn't have to watch me die.
[ She says it baldly, without padding. Having shared in his memories, she is in a uniquely privileged position to know what he's referring to. And she's in no mood to soften the blow, or treat it as anything other than exactly what it is.
Her eyes hood, and she takes the few steps needed to reach the door, at which point she presses her back against it. ]
If it wasn't about protecting me, then what was it about? ... what I just said? Something else?
... you saved me. You didn't have to watch me die.
[ She says it baldly, without padding. Having shared in his memories, she is in a uniquely privileged position to know what he's referring to. And she's in no mood to soften the blow, or treat it as anything other than exactly what it is.
Her eyes hood, and she takes the few steps needed to reach the door, at which point she presses her back against it. ]
If it wasn't about protecting me, then what was it about? ... what I just said? Something else?
[He bears her statement without flinching. He doesn't need to confirm it. They both know.
Her question makes him falter slightly.]
Yes. No. I don't know. [He breathes in, then out.] No, yeah, I do. It's about protecting you, but that doesn't mean I think you can't hold your own.
[He lowers his shoulders gradually, though he's still afraid she'll--what? Yell at him again?
No, he's afraid she'll leave.]
It's just. If I have the power to stop something bad from happening to someone I care a lot about, why wouldn't I do it.
Her question makes him falter slightly.]
Yes. No. I don't know. [He breathes in, then out.] No, yeah, I do. It's about protecting you, but that doesn't mean I think you can't hold your own.
[He lowers his shoulders gradually, though he's still afraid she'll--what? Yell at him again?
No, he's afraid she'll leave.]
It's just. If I have the power to stop something bad from happening to someone I care a lot about, why wouldn't I do it.
[He curls his hand closed, and only then seems to realize he's been holding it against his chest the whole time. He moves it down to his side and pushes himself back into the wall, letting out a breath.]
...Makes it harder to be a self-sacrificing asshole.
[He mutters it, but without any rancor at all. Mostly he just sounds sorry.]
Will you stop me, if I do?
...Makes it harder to be a self-sacrificing asshole.
[He mutters it, but without any rancor at all. Mostly he just sounds sorry.]
Will you stop me, if I do?
[ Every last word out of his mouth right now feels like a barb specially designed to tear at all her softest and most vulnerable pieces. She wants to put her hands over her ears, to tell him to stop, but she can't hide from this. Not now. Not when she has this chance.
Still, she knows that a true answer to his question will just result in a complete impasse. And she doesn't want that, either. ]
... I can't promise I won't try, [ is what she finally says, muted and desperately unhappy. ] But... if it's something you have to do... I won't stand in your way.
[ She sounds so upset. She is upset. The thought of him risking his life again, even dying, tears her open and leaves her to bleed. And it's ten times worse if she thinks of him doing it for her sake. She huffs out a shaky breath and buries her face in her arms again, curling her hands over her head like she can shield herself from the world. ]
Still, she knows that a true answer to his question will just result in a complete impasse. And she doesn't want that, either. ]
... I can't promise I won't try, [ is what she finally says, muted and desperately unhappy. ] But... if it's something you have to do... I won't stand in your way.
[ She sounds so upset. She is upset. The thought of him risking his life again, even dying, tears her open and leaves her to bleed. And it's ten times worse if she thinks of him doing it for her sake. She huffs out a shaky breath and buries her face in her arms again, curling her hands over her head like she can shield herself from the world. ]
[He hates seeing her like this. He hates even more that he brought her to this; that she's unhappy because of him.
All he wants to do is make her happy.]
Okay.
[He remembers looking at her, knowing that she knew what he knew when they saw Sephiroth's shadow in the sky. He remembers how he felt when she let him go.
If it's her, it's okay.]
I trust you.
[He slumps as he says it, sliding down the wall almost to match her, the length of his tail curled in a loose knot that he rests his head against, hiding his face.]
Thanks.
All he wants to do is make her happy.]
Okay.
[He remembers looking at her, knowing that she knew what he knew when they saw Sephiroth's shadow in the sky. He remembers how he felt when she let him go.
If it's her, it's okay.]
I trust you.
[He slumps as he says it, sliding down the wall almost to match her, the length of his tail curled in a loose knot that he rests his head against, hiding his face.]
Thanks.
[ She doesn't say anything to that. She can't fathom how he trusts her now, when she's all but told him she'll interfere if he tries to sacrifice himself again. And she can't fathom the break in her own trust, her feelings of betrayal that he'd do it at all.
The thought that finally spurs her to move - a long, quiet two minutes later - is:
If I were in his shoes, what would I do?
Knowing that answer finally breaks her hard, bitter resolve. She pushes herself off the floor and pads over to him, careful and a little hesitant. Gently she settles by his side, curling up on the floor again and circling both her arms around one of his, leaning her head on his shoulder. She says not a word. She just stays there, careful and loving and in love and scared of the future. ]
The thought that finally spurs her to move - a long, quiet two minutes later - is:
If I were in his shoes, what would I do?
Knowing that answer finally breaks her hard, bitter resolve. She pushes herself off the floor and pads over to him, careful and a little hesitant. Gently she settles by his side, curling up on the floor again and circling both her arms around one of his, leaning her head on his shoulder. She says not a word. She just stays there, careful and loving and in love and scared of the future. ]
[He lets out a long breath when she takes his arm, an exhalation that shivers at the edges like a fraying thread. After a moment he lifts his head again and pushes the heel of his hand against his forehead, slowly dragging his hair out of his face.]
Xion, I. I haven't told this to anybody. Not really. Dirk figured it out, but...he's the one who asked me about it. And I don't know if I'm right.
[He pushes his tail away and leans back against the wall again, reaching across himself to touch one of her hands.]
But you asked, so.
Xion, I. I haven't told this to anybody. Not really. Dirk figured it out, but...he's the one who asked me about it. And I don't know if I'm right.
[He pushes his tail away and leans back against the wall again, reaching across himself to touch one of her hands.]
But you asked, so.
[It hurts, the way she looks at him like that. The hand that's not touching hers moves upward to feel at his chest again, because fuck everything, he still feels that sword in him like it left something there--the outline of its blade cast indelibly in the molecules of his body. He pulls into himself, holding her hand against his arm as an anchor.]
I told you how I came back from a doomed offshoot of Dave's timeline to make sure my friends wouldn't die.
I told you how I came back from a doomed offshoot of Dave's timeline to make sure my friends wouldn't die.
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