[There isn't even an answering machine message here, only some horrible recreation of the theme from that one SBaHJ video he did made completely of clips of different bird calls.]
[ Xion puts her watch down and swings her legs out of bed, standing. She's strong now - almost at full health. She's not very imposing, short as she is and wearing pajamas, but the hard line of her shoulders and the anger writ large now across her expression are out of place on her, and thus more arresting for it. ]
What are you saying? [ She shakes her head. Beneath it all, beneath the indignation, is a deep wellspring of hurt. He'll be able to see it in her eyes, in the small movements of her hands, the only pieces of her that are jittery and unsure. But she shores up her battered defenses with righteous anger and plows on. ]
That you ... knew? You knew you were going to die, so you arranged for me to be taken care of? How could you do something like that? You should never have been planning to die!
[His back hits the wall and it startles him. He didn't even know he was drifting backwards. He stops there, pressing his palms flat to the wall to keep from twisting them in his feathers. He still can't look away from her. His stomach drops, and not in a good way.]
I didn't--I didn't want to die, but I couldn't just ignore everything, there were so many kids and the whole thing was so fucking jacked, I didn't. [He does look down now, curling his hands into fists against the wall.] I didn't know what was going to happen. So I did what I could, and--maybe I shouldn't have asked Eren, that wasn't fair, but I didn't know who else I could ask. I didn't want to put anyone in danger, and I was--I wasn't--
[He closes his eyes and lets his head bump gently back against the wall. His hands loosen again and slide down some.]
I was scared.
Edited (I picked that icon way before I wrote the actual tag whoops) 2013-10-18 02:11 (UTC)
[ She listens to that in silence, her chin lowering and her expression clouding with bitterness. It's hard to be mad at an explanation like that, but she still is, somehow. Maybe it's misdirected anger, maybe she's not even sure why she's upset. But something about this, all of this, turns her stomach. ]
... you always try so hard to protect me. [ At least she's not yelling anymore, though her voice is still cold. ] I don't need a guardian. I wish you'd stop treating me like I'm going to break every time I walk outside. I can take care of myself. Maybe I didn't need Eren's help at all.
[ Now she's being petulant, and maybe she knows it, if the sharp downward curl of the corners of her mouth speaks to her feelings about her own words. After all, she went to Eren before he could even find her. It would have happened anyway, all of it, in the exact same fashion, and to pin that on Dave is unfair. She knows it's unfair.
Which is why she groans, frustrated, and grips her head in two hands as she paces away, toward the door. But she stops a foot or two short, lowering her arms so she can tightly hug herself instead. ]
... I just want to know one thing. [ She looks up at him, and much of the hardness is gone from her expression. ] ... what were you so scared of? ... dying yourself, or me getting killed?
It's not about that--[He tries to protest when she says she can take care of herself, but even if she's not yelling, he's not loud. He just shrinks into the wall and wishes--no. He doesn't. He wouldn't take it back. He just takes her anger like a punch to the throat and knows that he deserves it. He deserves to feel like shit, hurting her like that.
He only raises his gaze again when she turns back, his expression profoundly miserable, but almost stubbornly resigned to it.]
I'm scared to--I was scared to die. Personally. With no take-backs.
[Without his noticing, he lifts a hand to his chest, as if to reassure himself still that the sword is not there, the wound is not there, his chest is whole and his lung is whole and he is not dying in front of his brother all over again, not dying in Xion's arms.]
But there are things I just can't fucking live with. Not again. Not ever. So it didn't matter if I was scared or not. I wouldn't accept any other outcome.
[ Xion only keeps hugging herself and looks at him with something like sympathy. ]
... you saved me. You didn't have to watch me die.
[ She says it baldly, without padding. Having shared in his memories, she is in a uniquely privileged position to know what he's referring to. And she's in no mood to soften the blow, or treat it as anything other than exactly what it is.
Her eyes hood, and she takes the few steps needed to reach the door, at which point she presses her back against it. ]
If it wasn't about protecting me, then what was it about? ... what I just said? Something else?
[He curls his hand closed, and only then seems to realize he's been holding it against his chest the whole time. He moves it down to his side and pushes himself back into the wall, letting out a breath.]
...Makes it harder to be a self-sacrificing asshole.
[He mutters it, but without any rancor at all. Mostly he just sounds sorry.]
[ Every last word out of his mouth right now feels like a barb specially designed to tear at all her softest and most vulnerable pieces. She wants to put her hands over her ears, to tell him to stop, but she can't hide from this. Not now. Not when she has this chance.
Still, she knows that a true answer to his question will just result in a complete impasse. And she doesn't want that, either. ]
... I can't promise I won't try, [ is what she finally says, muted and desperately unhappy. ] But... if it's something you have to do... I won't stand in your way.
[ She sounds so upset. She is upset. The thought of him risking his life again, even dying, tears her open and leaves her to bleed. And it's ten times worse if she thinks of him doing it for her sake. She huffs out a shaky breath and buries her face in her arms again, curling her hands over her head like she can shield herself from the world. ]
[He hates seeing her like this. He hates even more that he brought her to this; that she's unhappy because of him.
All he wants to do is make her happy.]
Okay.
[He remembers looking at her, knowing that she knew what he knew when they saw Sephiroth's shadow in the sky. He remembers how he felt when she let him go.
If it's her, it's okay.]
I trust you.
[He slumps as he says it, sliding down the wall almost to match her, the length of his tail curled in a loose knot that he rests his head against, hiding his face.]
[ She doesn't say anything to that. She can't fathom how he trusts her now, when she's all but told him she'll interfere if he tries to sacrifice himself again. And she can't fathom the break in her own trust, her feelings of betrayal that he'd do it at all.
The thought that finally spurs her to move - a long, quiet two minutes later - is:
If I were in his shoes, what would I do?
Knowing that answer finally breaks her hard, bitter resolve. She pushes herself off the floor and pads over to him, careful and a little hesitant. Gently she settles by his side, curling up on the floor again and circling both her arms around one of his, leaning her head on his shoulder. She says not a word. She just stays there, careful and loving and in love and scared of the future. ]
[He lets out a long breath when she takes his arm, an exhalation that shivers at the edges like a fraying thread. After a moment he lifts his head again and pushes the heel of his hand against his forehead, slowly dragging his hair out of his face.]
Xion, I. I haven't told this to anybody. Not really. Dirk figured it out, but...he's the one who asked me about it. And I don't know if I'm right.
[He pushes his tail away and leans back against the wall again, reaching across himself to touch one of her hands.]
[ Something about his words stills her. Deep in her core, like a wind cut off, and her thoughts are the leaf left to twirl, lifeless, to the ground. Solitary and suddenly still.
[It hurts, the way she looks at him like that. The hand that's not touching hers moves upward to feel at his chest again, because fuck everything, he still feels that sword in him like it left something there--the outline of its blade cast indelibly in the molecules of his body. He pulls into himself, holding her hand against his arm as an anchor.]
I told you how I came back from a doomed offshoot of Dave's timeline to make sure my friends wouldn't die.
By stopping it in his timeline--by stopping what split my timeline from his in the first place--I made my timeline not exist. I made it so it never happened.
[He has to pause. This is the black hole eating at the center of him; he can only orbit it obliquely or it will destroy him utterly.]
Rose stopped existing. My Rose. She managed to leave some of her memories with Dave's Rose, but she was gone, because that timeline didn't happen.
[ She's silent for a long moment, tucking herself tighter against him and holding his hush against her like it is something precious she has to protect.
She wants to protect him. She has never felt that way about anyone else, ever. ]
... I told you ... that I'm made of memories. They belong to a boy named Sora. ... I made the decision that I had to go back. I'm like ... a piece of him. And without me ... he was never going to wake up. So I ran away for the last time, and I tried to do what was right. But at the last second, one of my best friends... came to stop me.
[ If you return your memories to him, you'll disappear. And since everything about you was built on those memories...no one will remember you when you're gone. There won't be any "you" to remember. I can't save you, Xion--even a memory of you. ]
In the end, though... it didn't matter. I still ... went back. And the thing is, when my memories went back to Sora... that meant that I disappeared completely. There wasn't any "me" left to remember.... so I ceased to exist. And everyone who ever knew me... forgot me completely. [ She quiets, for a moment. ] ... that's why Xigbar couldn't remember me, when he first got here.
I know what it's like ... to disappear. But ... I'm here. Even though I shouldn't be. And you ... you know who I am. [ She looks up at him with sweet, sad sympathy. ] If I'm real... then you are, too.
[He listens without saying anything, without looking at her, so that the only indication he's paying attention--the only indication he's hanging on every word like her voice is a lifeline over a pit--is the way his breathing changes. The way he swallows when she mentions her friend trying to stop her. The way he clings to her hand as if to reassure himself that she's there. Or that he is.
The breath he takes shudders in the quiet pause after she says what hurts him most: Everyone who ever knew her forgot her, completely. What felt shaky in him before now feels completely broken loose, adrift, cold and alone, and he doesn't return her gaze when she looks up at him.
He just leans into her, weightless and warm, and rests his face in her hair. He holds her arm to him still; holds her hand tighter. His voice hovers on the edge of breaking, gummed up and strained in the back of his throat.]
[ God. Whatever she's got that passes for a heart is breaking in her chest. She can feel it, something tight and splintery and awful, and breathing around it is a slow and laborious process. She breathes in sighs. Careful, sad sighs.
It was my choice ... to go away now.
What does she say to that?
Did she ... ever want to go? She knew she had to. But ... did she want to, really?
Contemplating that question is like standing on the very end of a dark chasm of which she cannot see the bottom, and she wants nothing more than to pull back from the edge. But with Davesprite holding onto her, breathing his fear into her hair, she can't. She can't do anything but stare into that terrible abyss. ]
... I don't want you to go either, [ is what she finally says, tiny and plaintive. It probably isn't helpful. ]
Dave... when I went away, I ... I made that choice. I knew what I was doing... and what would happen to me. How do you know for sure that ... you're not different? That ... you won't have a choice in it after all? Maybe ... I just don't want to give up hope. Not yet.
[ And then she simply gathers him into her arms. She twists her body, reaching across so she can pull him close to her properly and hold him there, right there, where they are both warm and alive and real. ]
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What are you saying? [ She shakes her head. Beneath it all, beneath the indignation, is a deep wellspring of hurt. He'll be able to see it in her eyes, in the small movements of her hands, the only pieces of her that are jittery and unsure. But she shores up her battered defenses with righteous anger and plows on. ]
That you ... knew? You knew you were going to die, so you arranged for me to be taken care of? How could you do something like that? You should never have been planning to die!
[ By the end of it, she's shouting. ]
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[His back hits the wall and it startles him. He didn't even know he was drifting backwards. He stops there, pressing his palms flat to the wall to keep from twisting them in his feathers. He still can't look away from her. His stomach drops, and not in a good way.]
I didn't--I didn't want to die, but I couldn't just ignore everything, there were so many kids and the whole thing was so fucking jacked, I didn't. [He does look down now, curling his hands into fists against the wall.] I didn't know what was going to happen. So I did what I could, and--maybe I shouldn't have asked Eren, that wasn't fair, but I didn't know who else I could ask. I didn't want to put anyone in danger, and I was--I wasn't--
[He closes his eyes and lets his head bump gently back against the wall. His hands loosen again and slide down some.]
I was scared.
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... you always try so hard to protect me. [ At least she's not yelling anymore, though her voice is still cold. ] I don't need a guardian. I wish you'd stop treating me like I'm going to break every time I walk outside. I can take care of myself. Maybe I didn't need Eren's help at all.
[ Now she's being petulant, and maybe she knows it, if the sharp downward curl of the corners of her mouth speaks to her feelings about her own words. After all, she went to Eren before he could even find her. It would have happened anyway, all of it, in the exact same fashion, and to pin that on Dave is unfair. She knows it's unfair.
Which is why she groans, frustrated, and grips her head in two hands as she paces away, toward the door. But she stops a foot or two short, lowering her arms so she can tightly hug herself instead. ]
... I just want to know one thing. [ She looks up at him, and much of the hardness is gone from her expression. ] ... what were you so scared of? ... dying yourself, or me getting killed?
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He only raises his gaze again when she turns back, his expression profoundly miserable, but almost stubbornly resigned to it.]
I'm scared to--I was scared to die. Personally. With no take-backs.
[Without his noticing, he lifts a hand to his chest, as if to reassure himself still that the sword is not there, the wound is not there, his chest is whole and his lung is whole and he is not dying in front of his brother all over again, not dying in Xion's arms.]
But there are things I just can't fucking live with. Not again. Not ever. So it didn't matter if I was scared or not. I wouldn't accept any other outcome.
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... you saved me. You didn't have to watch me die.
[ She says it baldly, without padding. Having shared in his memories, she is in a uniquely privileged position to know what he's referring to. And she's in no mood to soften the blow, or treat it as anything other than exactly what it is.
Her eyes hood, and she takes the few steps needed to reach the door, at which point she presses her back against it. ]
If it wasn't about protecting me, then what was it about? ... what I just said? Something else?
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Her question makes him falter slightly.]
Yes. No. I don't know. [He breathes in, then out.] No, yeah, I do. It's about protecting you, but that doesn't mean I think you can't hold your own.
[He lowers his shoulders gradually, though he's still afraid she'll--what? Yell at him again?
No, he's afraid she'll leave.]
It's just. If I have the power to stop something bad from happening to someone I care a lot about, why wouldn't I do it.
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[ Her voice is soft, and when she says it she lets her body slide slowly to the floor and buries her face in her arms. ]
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I'm sorry. I couldn't do it any other way.
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Don't ever do anything like that again. Not without telling me first.
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Xion, I can't--don't make me promise that.
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... I'm not telling you not to do it at all. I'm just asking you to tell me first. You can't even do that...?
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...Makes it harder to be a self-sacrificing asshole.
[He mutters it, but without any rancor at all. Mostly he just sounds sorry.]
Will you stop me, if I do?
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Still, she knows that a true answer to his question will just result in a complete impasse. And she doesn't want that, either. ]
... I can't promise I won't try, [ is what she finally says, muted and desperately unhappy. ] But... if it's something you have to do... I won't stand in your way.
[ She sounds so upset. She is upset. The thought of him risking his life again, even dying, tears her open and leaves her to bleed. And it's ten times worse if she thinks of him doing it for her sake. She huffs out a shaky breath and buries her face in her arms again, curling her hands over her head like she can shield herself from the world. ]
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All he wants to do is make her happy.]
Okay.
[He remembers looking at her, knowing that she knew what he knew when they saw Sephiroth's shadow in the sky. He remembers how he felt when she let him go.
If it's her, it's okay.]
I trust you.
[He slumps as he says it, sliding down the wall almost to match her, the length of his tail curled in a loose knot that he rests his head against, hiding his face.]
Thanks.
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The thought that finally spurs her to move - a long, quiet two minutes later - is:
If I were in his shoes, what would I do?
Knowing that answer finally breaks her hard, bitter resolve. She pushes herself off the floor and pads over to him, careful and a little hesitant. Gently she settles by his side, curling up on the floor again and circling both her arms around one of his, leaning her head on his shoulder. She says not a word. She just stays there, careful and loving and in love and scared of the future. ]
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Xion, I. I haven't told this to anybody. Not really. Dirk figured it out, but...he's the one who asked me about it. And I don't know if I'm right.
[He pushes his tail away and leans back against the wall again, reaching across himself to touch one of her hands.]
But you asked, so.
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She looks up at him, eyes big and searching. ]
... what is it?
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I told you how I came back from a doomed offshoot of Dave's timeline to make sure my friends wouldn't die.
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.... yeah. [ Carefully, she shifts her hand so she can intertwine her fingers with his. ]
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[He has to pause. This is the black hole eating at the center of him; he can only orbit it obliquely or it will destroy him utterly.]
Rose stopped existing. My Rose. She managed to leave some of her memories with Dave's Rose, but she was gone, because that timeline didn't happen.
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[ She speaks with knowing. ]
Dave, when you.... when you died.... were you scared that ... you'd stop existing too?
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...It's gonna happen eventually.
[The weight of it hushes him.]
It happened to all the other offshoot Daves. We don't transfer, or anything. When the timeline doesn't need us anymore, we're just gone.
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She wants to protect him. She has never felt that way about anyone else, ever. ]
... I told you ... that I'm made of memories. They belong to a boy named Sora. ... I made the decision that I had to go back. I'm like ... a piece of him. And without me ... he was never going to wake up. So I ran away for the last time, and I tried to do what was right. But at the last second, one of my best friends... came to stop me.
[ If you return your memories to him, you'll disappear. And since everything about you was built on those memories...no one will remember you when you're gone. There won't be any "you" to remember. I can't save you, Xion--even a memory of you. ]
In the end, though... it didn't matter. I still ... went back. And the thing is, when my memories went back to Sora... that meant that I disappeared completely. There wasn't any "me" left to remember.... so I ceased to exist. And everyone who ever knew me... forgot me completely. [ She quiets, for a moment. ] ... that's why Xigbar couldn't remember me, when he first got here.
I know what it's like ... to disappear. But ... I'm here. Even though I shouldn't be. And you ... you know who I am. [ She looks up at him with sweet, sad sympathy. ] If I'm real... then you are, too.
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The breath he takes shudders in the quiet pause after she says what hurts him most: Everyone who ever knew her forgot her, completely. What felt shaky in him before now feels completely broken loose, adrift, cold and alone, and he doesn't return her gaze when she looks up at him.
He just leans into her, weightless and warm, and rests his face in her hair. He holds her arm to him still; holds her hand tighter. His voice hovers on the edge of breaking, gummed up and strained in the back of his throat.]
I don't want to go.
[His breath barely stirs her hair.]
I don't want to go away.
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It was my choice ... to go away now.
What does she say to that?
Did she ... ever want to go? She knew she had to. But ... did she want to, really?
Contemplating that question is like standing on the very end of a dark chasm of which she cannot see the bottom, and she wants nothing more than to pull back from the edge. But with Davesprite holding onto her, breathing his fear into her hair, she can't. She can't do anything but stare into that terrible abyss. ]
... I don't want you to go either, [ is what she finally says, tiny and plaintive. It probably isn't helpful. ]
Dave... when I went away, I ... I made that choice. I knew what I was doing... and what would happen to me. How do you know for sure that ... you're not different? That ... you won't have a choice in it after all? Maybe ... I just don't want to give up hope. Not yet.
[ And then she simply gathers him into her arms. She twists her body, reaching across so she can pull him close to her properly and hold him there, right there, where they are both warm and alive and real. ]
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